so, I haven't posted in ages I know. I cant seem to figure out how to get more visitors to the blog which is, to be honest, discouraging me. I'm sure in time i'll figure out how...

Recovery is going well; theres ups and downs as would be expected, behaviours however much improved are still there,,,I'm learning a lot about myself I feel and I'm really enjoying it?did I just write that?yes...I guess I did I'm enjoying it. My life is changing for the better at last and I am so happy about that. I am starting to live a life seperate from the condition again...yes its still there but I'm beginning to understand the concept that its seperate from me. There is much more to me and to my life than behaviours and the condition. Yes they are there and I am working on recovery and saying goodbye to these behaviours for good but thank God now I know they are seperate from me, they are not me. As simple as this sentence or that lesson seems to be its really huge when you realise it in your life...its great...thank god im getting somewhere now. Its a blessing...

 I hope you are all doing well,

Happy Easter, XXX

so, I haven't posted in ages I know. I cant seem to figure out how to get more visitors to the blog which is, to be honest, discouraging me. I'm sure in time i'll figure out how...

Recovery is going well; theres ups and downs as would be expected, behaviours however much improved are still there,,,I'm learning a lot about myself I feel and I'm really enjoying it?did I just write that?yes...I guess I did I'm enjoying it. My life is changing for the better at last and I am so happy about that. I am starting to live a life seperate from the condition again...yes its still there but I'm beginning to understand the concept that its seperate from me. There is much more to me and to my life than behaviours and the condition. Yes they are there and I am working on recovery and saying goodbye to these behaviours for good but thank God now I know they are seperate from me, they are not me. As simple as this sentence or that lesson seems to be its really huge when you realise it in your life...its great...thank god im getting somewhere now. Its a blessing...

 I hope you are all doing well,

Happy Easter, XXX

This past weekend I attended a bodyharmony workshop. The aim of bodyharmony therapy as far as I'm aware is to help heal any emotional or physical problems/symptoms we may have due to traumas/ unpleasant memories stored in our bodies tissues. It works with the practitioner placing a light touch on a certain part of the body and encouraging the body to heal itself. My goal for this workshop was to help heal my left ankle which I hurt last year and cannot yet properly exercise on. Throughout the day the teacher spoke of the client often not wanting to let go of the injury and let it heal, holding on to the injury for longer than necessary. I felt this was definately the case with my ankle so I thought: "I wonder what it could be that I don't want to let go of that this injury brought on or that came with this injury???". So anyway, as the day went on and we practised working on each other and I had some work done on my ankle I made my discovery. When I hurt my ankle it really held people away and I didnt let anybody in, not anybody... I guess it is hard for me to let go of this...it is challenging for me to let people in. As I was being worked on I felt something saying to me "Hun, its time for you to let people in...let go of the past you've been holding on to, letting it take up so much of your space...its time to let go and let people in...let YOU in...let YOU in"

I think when we suffer from an Eating Disorder we really push people away - without realizing what we're doing - we push people away and really the most important person we push away is ourselves. We push ourselves way, way, away and really this is the most important person we need to get back in touch with and let in again. WE NEED TO LET OURSELVES IN AGAIN TO RECOVER. Please body, Let me back in again....XXX

Yesterday I had to sit an exam, I was really nervous about going to this exam for a number of reasons - but first and foremost I was afraid I would bump into someone I knew. Now, this is often an issue for me, I get very anxious when I'm leaving the house, I have a tendancy to feel like something really negative is going to happen to me when I do - not necessarily like i'll get physically hurt, but  I feel like I'll really embarass myself somehow or do something so terrible, or that people are laughing at me (talk about being paranoid!  )...I don't know stuff like that.

Anyway yesterday in the morning I had this great Idea...for some reason the image of the exam going fine, and me not bumping into anyone I knew had come into my early morning dreams and it stayed with me. Now, normally if this was to happen I'd shrug it away with negativity BUT I thought - why don't I pretend that this was EXACTLY how the exam went?...so I did...I told myself " I ALREADY DID THIS, AND IT WENT REALLY WELL!" - and guess what it really worked!!

It just helped me put things in a much more positive way! Sometimes I don't even go certain places because I start thinking so negatively about the situation. This morning too, I went swimming, normally I drag myself to it (if even) with a whole bunch of negative thoughts. BUT i just started saying to myself "I ALREADY DID THIS, AND IT WENT REALLY WELL" and it actually really helped!

 I hope some of you readers might find this helpful!..

 And happy belated st. valentines day! Hope you all showed yourselves some love!

 XXX

There is really nothing more beautiful than our trueselves. I believe this statement to be 100% true, I'd say a lot of people do. Yet in todays world we are pushed and pulled in every way to believe otherwise...Today stand up for who you truly are inside - and out - you are beautiful just as you are!! You have so much to give the world - you better believe it! Watch this link from Dove - its great!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUsKIApTewQ

I was just visiting the "we bite back" website... it really is great full of tips and wonderful inspiration! I was drawn in particular to one section, shown wher people leave post - it notes in public places with positive messages like

 "love your body"

"smile, you ARE beautiful"

I thought this was just such a briliant idea, I hope to start doing this myself - as they say in that website lets not vandalise - however sticking up post it notes is a great way to start spreading the message to everyone.

Its time to start loving our bodies, and loving who we are - no matter what!

XXX

...theres no need to rush...jordin sparks song really hits a note with recovery...reminding us that one baby step at a time is all we need to take to keep on going, sure there are times when we make leaps and bounds - and they're great! When we're struggling all we need to remind ourselves is - one step at a time...just push forward and take that next step!

Today I'm definately on a high, I just finished a really big project for college, I'm so happy I handed it in. I definately feel proud of myself, I did a pretty good job despite the ED getting me pretty down at times...but I just kept working at it bit by bit. It all came together at the end. You know, that sounds like a pretty good way to think about recovery - bit by bit... it'll come together in the end!I was afraid the condition would prevent me from expressing myself the way I wanted to in this project... but I kept working at it and the right energy came through. Thats something for everyone to know - no matter how much your Ed may take over your life, or you feel its negativity getting you down...the real YOU it still there...no matter how much damage you may have already caused yourself. The true You is still there all you have to do is open your eyes and let yourself shine. It may feel challenging but its worth it. I'm working on searching for "me" right now...and I know I'm not fully there yet but I'm definately getting there!

Keep fighting back for YOURSELF!...and as l'oreal puts it "you're worth it!"

 XXX

so...again, i guess i'm finding it difficult to blog, to put my feelings and thoughts out here for ppl to read and see. I think this is something most people with an ED struggle with.

 Letting people in is tough, I've found that very difficult. I suppose a lot of the time in my heart of hearts i know a lot of the things i worry about can be irrational, and the whole stigma on mental illness' ...its very difficult to explain yourself to others. Its scary to put yourself out there. To recover I believe it needs to be done...not be telling your whole story to each and every person...but by learning to be yourself around others, letting others get to know you, speaking up, meeting your needs, self care etc... baby steps

I guess I've struggled quite a lot with isolation...the condition can make you believe you don't deserve to go out, you can get caught up in behaviours, in depression, having low-self esteem and not believing you're worth being there with your freinds, or have nothing to contribute to a conversation, not remembering who you are without an ed...all these things...and we wonder how we end up in such a state... struggling to hold onto freindships etc.

For a long time I believed none of my freinds cared about me... I've come to realise through recovery that my freinds probably feel like they lost "me" a long time ago...as im getting better, my relationships are recovering too, and the freinds that have held onto the end of the rope with me are here for me...even though i chose not to see it before...

 Heartbreaking as it was losing those freinds to an Ed i strongly believe through recovery things will get better, our relationships will also heal.  When we start picking up the pieces and putting together the puzzle of ourselves, we'll find more than we could have hoped for...

 hold on to your hope  XXX

i'm sorry havent been blogging much lately... i guess im just struggling with recovery at the moment, and really i dont want to bring people down with negative posts, we do it enough to ourselves... i'm doing an art course this year so i guess im just going to write down some of the things it has helped me with in regards recovery... I dont really know an awful lot about art therapy to be honest, and the course im doing wasnt a therapeautic one but unleashing creativity really is helpful... i remember at the beginning of the course i was so scared to start painting/drawing on a page because i was afraid of what would happen... it was unknown, what if it didnt turn out right, what if i wrecked it?...my sister encouraged me when she said ... if it isnt working out you can always change it!

 This has really helped me in my attitude towards recovery and growth, the ed condition can be quite stunting to personal and emotional growth, I know even now, im really scared of taking risks, of things turning out wrong...of messing things up... but through art i'm learning

- if things arent working out right YOU CAN change them

- If youre making a mess of something its OK! you just learn from it and try things another way - why beat yourself up about it? that won't solve anything!

- Sometimes things don't work out the way you planned or envisioned them to, but thats ok sometimes they work out better!sometimes they bring along something totally new and unexpected - and its really up to ourselves to embrace it and to appreciate the beauty and the mystery of life

 - and last but not least... things are not certain... and its ok... WE CAN COPE!! We were all made creative and intelligent enough to find ways through to work through things to face up to the day and work through its challenges....!

 well I hope some of that wisdom reaches you and hopefully I can remember it to!...sure when i started this post i didnt know what id write about...and look what came thru...some hope!

 remember: recovery comes first!

XXX

So im working on sticking with a meal plan at the moment that I was helped put together with my nutrionist. Its tough, but its worth sticking with. I know I feel better when I do. A tip she advised me on...which i think is pretty good:

 For every day you are free from behaviours/follow your plan put a small amount of money into a box at the end of the day... and after a week or a fortnight, treat urself something like a book, or a nailvarnish, or a perfume and that will help reinforce that you can recover and good things do come from recovery!...dnt spend that money on behaviours, they're not worth it. You can find some much higher quality stuff out there! XXX